Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I supernannyed him into submission
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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