I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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