I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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