i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
