a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
