its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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