Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
