i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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