Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
