i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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