Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize