Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
