I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
