My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
