Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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