Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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