had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
