if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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