I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
