I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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