just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Is Oprah even human
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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