Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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