ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
