If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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