How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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