I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
