He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
