This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't deserve a penis
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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