What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
