Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
