I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This is the high leading the old right now
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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