New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She bit a glass in half.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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