anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
