8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize