why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
