My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
