His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
