Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
