Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
