The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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