remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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