So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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