Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
