I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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