What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize