So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
