Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize