he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dick very happy bro
Randomize