just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
