So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
