Can i not drive my cunt home
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
