My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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