Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
