The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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