my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
