he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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