when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
