We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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