Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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