just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
