Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
