This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
